Some things are just better, left the way they are.

Love is a funny thing;

Love is a funny thing. You expect it to be easy. You expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. You expect her to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. You expect her to calm you down when you're yelling or to chase you when you run away. You expect so much that you feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesn't exactly match up with all your plans. But that's the thing. Love isn't a plan. It doesn't have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it.

Love happens; it is so incredibly messy. People around you can't comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can't see. They can't see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you're in love. It's inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can't live without it. What you don't learn is how hard love is. How much work it takes. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn't worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it.

Love isn't her calming you down when you yell. It's her yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and to keep you grounded. It isn't her/him bringing you roses everyday or cute things that make your relationship appear more presentable.

It's after a long fight, that drains the life and bones right out of you both, and yet her showing up at your door the next morning anyway. It's not her saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. So no, it's not her caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be alright. It's her standing there, admitting she's just as scared as you are. You have to remember that with love, you're not the only one involved. You've unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another persons hands and said, here. Do what you will. Mash it into mince meat. Or forget I ever handed it to you. As long as you have it.

It makes us crazy. It makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn't cross. Because love isn't about fencing ourselves in; feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. It's about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. Because all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. And it's a hell of a lot better, than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling 'happy' and feeling whole

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Have you ever had someone who 'loved' you, never leave your side?

Love.. It's a horrible, horrible thing when it goes wrong. Trust me. This past month.. has been the hardest thing I think i've ever had to go through in my life. & it's definitely not something I EVER want to experiance again. Falling in love for the first time with the guy I imagined myself with forever, in the beginning it was great. 4 months went by, we were bickering every once in a while about silly things, it just kept getting worse as our relationship continued, no matter how many of my friends told me to break up with him, asked me MULTIPLE times everyday why I was still with him.. I stayed with him. I was soo in love with him.. KNOWING that he treated me wrong, knowing that we treated eachother wrong. No matter how many times he hurt me, no matter how loud he would yell at me.. i'd still do everything I could to get him back. Him & I both. I remember one time.. getting in a fight with him, I started it.. I admit. We were laying in bed, watching TV I don't remember what he said, but I overreacted & got jealous. & turned over & faced the TV. He just sat there asking if I was serious & asking if he could bring me home. I kept saying no & layed there.. thinking to myself why I get like that. Why I don't like him talking to girls.. Why was I so jealous & insecure when it came to him talking to girls anyways? I had no idea & to this day, I have no idea. But I turned over & right as I turned my head we both just smiled.. & he gave me a kiss. :/ I miss those perfect moments me & him had. I miss knowing that he loved me. I miss going to bed thinking about him & thinking about him right when I woke up. I miss the cute things we'd say to eachother. I have texts from him saved on my phone, that I still to this day.. read & torture myself. Memories of how perfect our relationship was in the beginning, how much we loved eachother haunt me. I knew one day it would end.. I didn't think it would end like this, or anytime relately close to the time I was thinking that it was going to end no matter what. I wish that the people who love you the most, would always be by your side no matter what. I wish people & feelings didn't change, EVER. I wish Shawn & I were still happy together. I know that it will never be "Shawn and Jessica" again.. But just thinking about things still makes me sad. Thinking about all the time him & I shared. EVERYDAY I saw him, every single day until about 9 at night when my mom got out of work. I spent every minute of my life with him. Going from that, to not seeing him at all. Not even talking, is the one thing that still kills me. How can you be sooo close with someone & have them walk out of your life like nothing ever happened between you? I'd do anything and I mean anything to be able to have a normal conversation with him. I want to be there for him in his future relationships, I want him to be able to come to me with advice, or to vent about things. He was always there for me when me and my mom weren't getting along & I moved out, I moved into his house. I look at pictures we have from South Carolina on the boat going out to parasail. I was soo sick, & he sat there & held me the whhhoooleee 2 hours we were out there.. while we were in SC we had a big fight, again about something stupid & pointless. He said some mean things, I said mean things. We threw shit at eachother. But at the end of the night, we were laughing, kissing, snuggling.. watching tv in the same room trying to fall asleep. I guess I just wish things never changed between anyone. :/

I know I need to learn to let go, but how can you let go of someone so easily after all you've been through?

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Have you ever had someone who 'loved' you, never leave your side?

Learning.

I'm not too sure I know how to 'blog' yet.. So I'm just trying it out right now. Ha. I'm probably just gonna use this as a place to vent about the things I keep bottled up inside. Enjoy, I guess. :p